


Anathema

by MMEGmo



Series: Blasphemy [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Homosexuality, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-07 07:12:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7705390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMEGmo/pseuds/MMEGmo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>!!!IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE AND/OR SELF-HARM DO NOT READ!!!<br/>This is the second part of the Blasphemy series.</p><p>Twitter: @MEMGHeathen</p>
    </blockquote>





	Anathema

**Author's Note:**

> !!!IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE AND/OR SELF-HARM DO NOT READ!!!  
>  This is the second part of the Blasphemy series.
> 
> Twitter: @MEMGHeathen

No matter how sunny it was today, there was a dark filter over Josh's eyes; nothing had much color or detail anymore, it was almost like his eyes stopped using their cone cells. No matter how many flowers he got, he couldn't see any beauty in them. He thought about flowers a lot, since they were everywhere around the house, to humans they were nothing but beautiful; but if you're blind to beauty, they're just a gift people give you in a failed attempt to mask the depressing thought of never seeing your best friend ever again. Every day there was a new person at his door to give him the same useless flowers and the same useless  words: “I am so sorry for your loss,” 

  Josh hadn’t talked to anyone much. He felt ashamed. He could barely look at Tyler’s parents. He hadn’t told anyone what really happened in that treehouse. No one knew about the confusing kiss, no one knew about his last words, no one knew that Josh stood there, watching, as his friend hung from a branch, struggling, as his last moment was coming to an end. He could have done something.

  He thread the last button of his shirt through the hole as he looked at the person with large indigo bags under his eyes and washed out red hair in the mirror. He hadn’t cried much, it still didn’t seem very real, each day went by very quickly, like in a dream. He hadn’t slept since he last saw Tyler, it felt selfish to him, to enjoy a good night’s sleep while your best friend is dead. The lack of sleep numbed him, mentally, so he didn’t have to think very much of what had happened. 

   He walked, slowly, towards his old closet. He opened the closet, and saw all of the hanging t-shirts, which all held a memory, of Tyler of course. Josh had a very organized closet, all of his t-shirts were divided in light colors and dark colors, as well as his shirts. His blazers were to the right of the closet, behind all of the shirts and t-shirts. He took his black blazer off of the hanger, and he saw what hung behind it, the red blazer, the one he wore at the tour. He put back the black blazer and put on the red one.

* * *

Tyler quickly rode his bike down the street with warm tears running down his cheeks, pressing hard and firmly down on the pedals. The cold air felt good on his warm and wet cheeks, but it stung when he inhaled. When he reached the two big trees he jumped off his bike and let it fall onto the pavement and ran in between the trees and felt the refreshing and cold smell of the grass.

  When he reached the pond he immediately sat down on an old tree stump and took his sweatshirt off. The cold air felt amazing on his warm arms. He loved the forest when it was cold, but he also liked the summer when the sun’s light came between the leaves of the trees and made beautiful patterns on the grass. Every season was beautiful in its own way, in Tyler’s opinion, but when the fall came and brought its cold winds and dark skies, it was like Tyler felt more comfortable in this world. He dragged his silver locket necklace out of his t-shirt. He forced the necklace open. There was something very personal in there, no one but him knew what was inside, and it was better that way, Tyler thought. He took the razor blade out of the necklace, careful not to cut his fingers. He took a look at his left arm, it looked beautiful, he thought, but he knew he was crazy for thinking that. The red lines that covered the soft skin on the inside of his forearm made him feel safe. He had promised himself that today was the day he was going to get rid of his blade, even though he could just get a new one, and he probably would. But he couldn’t get rid of it just yet, he had also promised himself a few last cuts.  His forearm was covered in red cuts, but he found a perfect area just below his wrist that was free of any cuts. He tightened his hand into a fist as he pressed the blade, firmly on to his skin, but not firm enough to go too deep. He quickly dragged the blade across his arm. He felt a short burst of pain. Tyler looked at his arm very closely, he loved to see the cut right as the blood slowly came out. At first the blood formed small bubbles in various areas on the red line, but soon enough the blood started running down on his other cuts. The old tears on his cheeks were cold and almost completely dry now. He stared at the hypnotic blood for a few minutes, and then he took a tissue out of his pocket and pressed it onto the cut. 

  After he had slit his skin a few too many times, he stood up and played with the razor blade between his fingers, he didn’t want to let go of it, not after the reminder of what it did to him. He took a step forward towards the pond, with a sigh he let go of the blade and watched it sink to the bottom of the surprisingly clear pond. 

* * *

He decided he wanted to drive alone. He didn’t want to be stuck in a vehicle with his family, it would just be awkward, and Josh’s anxiety would go through the roof. He was trying not to think about what was about to happen. He didn’t want it to happen.

  The road to the gravesite was very hypnotic, he was aware that he was driving, but he felt like he wasn’t in control of his body,  like his body was following someone else’s orders, telling him where to turn, while the real Josh was floating somewhere in space thinking about what kind of flowers Tyler’s grave would be covered in, and what would be written on his gravestone. He hadn’t asked anyone anything about the funeral, or anything for that matter. He felt a heavy layer of shame over him all the time, but he never acknowledged it, deep inside he knew he could’ve helped Tyler, he knew he could’ve done something. He let himself think about what had happened on the drive to the funeral, he let himself remember staring at Tyler, with a noose around his neck, hanging from a thick branch. He remembered how confused he was after the kiss, it was the first kiss he had had with Tyler, not that he wanted to kiss Tyler before, but it was unusual for Tyler to just kiss Josh. Josh knew it meant something, Tyler never did anything without a hidden meaning behind it. It got a little tedious for Josh, staying up at night, trying to find out what Tyler’s tweets really meant. Tyler’s tweets always said something, but meant something else, he had told Josh that, perhaps he was just trying to fool Josh. 

  Josh had thrown his phone away as soon as the news of Tyler’s death came out to the public, he knew Tyler’s death would take lives of the Clique as well, many people only stayed alive for them. He knew Tyler had given many people a sense of purpose, and  he had died, what was their purpose? 

  He parked his car and got out to meet his family. The sky was clear and the sun was shining bright. Josh had to squint his eyes to be able to see, he didn’t feel like it was appropriate to wear sunglasses at a funeral. His mom greeted him with a faint smile on her face. “I’m surprised you didn’t get lost on the road, you’ve never driven here on your own before.” His mom told him, trying to brighten the mood a bit, Josh knew. They walked into the graveyard, which oddly looked like a field filled with giant gray domino bricks standing in random orders. In the corner of his eye he could see Tyler’s family, dressed in black. He hoped they wouldn’t see his bright red blazer as offensive. Josh and his family walked towards Tyler’s. The moms hugged, the dads hugged, and the siblings all stood there, awkwardly. Tyler’s brother, Zack, walked up to Josh to give him a hug, which was very stale and awkward, but appreciated by Josh. After all of the hugging was done, they slowly walked towards Tyler’s new home. 

   The walk was slow. No one wanted to stand over the dug up hole. No one wanted to say good bye. Josh didn’t know if he could really take it; he’d been pretty calm for most of the time but now he thought he was going to explode. With every step he could feel his body getting heavier, with every step he took, his vision got blurrier. 

  After a few minutes of barely being able to stand up, Josh stood over the empty grave. It was dark in there, and very lonely, even for the dead, Josh thought. Beside the grave there was a black, elegant casket. And inside was Tyler. Josh could barely look at it, he couldn’t really see the casket because of his blurred vision, but he saw enough of it to know what it was. A priest stood on the end of the grave, he welcomed the broken families, and explained what was going to happen. Josh heard that the priest was talking, but not what he was saying, he was too distracted by the thought of this being the last time he’ll ever see his best friend.

* * *

 

He climbed up the tree, careful not to step on a weak looking branch. The tree bark hurt against the palm of his hands, but he didn’t mind, it was worth the pain to be up in the treehouse. He had many treehouses, but this one was his favorite, it had no roof, which made him think that he had a direct connection with God, sometimes he thought he was crazy for thinking that, he knew deep inside that God doesn’t talk to people like him. 

  The whole day he had been thinking of a passage from the bible, he didn’t like it, but he felt it was true, so when he climbed inside the treehouse he walked up to his box, unlocked it, and grabbed a writing pad and a pen. He started writing, “ _ If a man lies with a man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them, _ ” It felt as if he had taken a bullet to the heart, but he also felt stronger. He thought the words were very strong, and beautiful in a dark way, like Tyler was at times. The words got him thinking of the future. “Would there even be a future?” He asked himself, “What if I kill myself today? Then I won’t need to deal with being gay, or anything at all.” 

  After a lot of doodling and thinking, he came to the conclusion that he would set a date for his first suicide attempt, his next birthday. It seemed like a good idea to Tyler, to die on the date you were born, it felt symbolic, and Tyler loved symbolism. 

   He wanted to die, but at the same time he didn’t. He wanted to die so that all of his problems would be gone, surely God would forgive him for committing suicide, he did it for a reason. He wanted to stay alive so that he could see what his life would turn out like. What if he got friends? What if he could do music? What if he just turned straight one day? If that happened he could find happiness in other ways than being with someone of the same sex. But Tyler knew none of those things would ever happen, so he tried not to think about the future, because he didn’t want there to be a future. 

  He looked down on the writing pad, “Save” He wrote in the corner of the blank page, “Save me,” He said, “I am only human.” He looked up into the sky and let his eyes close. 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
